So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
