She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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