I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
