i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
