I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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