i already hear my dad disowning me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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