i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
is wine microwaveable?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
