how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
