i was born a porn star she said
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
