She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
