So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
