I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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