I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
