Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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