woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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