so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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