My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
