don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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