he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
