I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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