We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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