i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
