Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
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I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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