Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
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ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.