I just cut my nipple shaving
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
