Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i've created a new STD.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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