Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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