waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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