She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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