sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
