sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
