My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
