I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
