I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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