does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's always time for handjobs
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
