Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
