I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
