Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
