Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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