Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
