Your tits are I can't wait for
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
