You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
