I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
