dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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