I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
