Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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