Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
