well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
