Jerry, you need to find god
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
