I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
