Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
