New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
