Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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