im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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