I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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