I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
