I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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