mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
