The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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