so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
