why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
