My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
